Halfway done with college.

Tomorrow, I leave campus and head to a family friend's place. Monday, I start my internship for the summer. June 1, I move into an apartment with a really close friend. August 20, I move back onto campus. August 23, I go on a road trip with my T&M class to visit our corporate sponsor's sites. August 27, I start classes again - as a junior. I'm halfway done with college. It makes me wonder - what have I accomplished in these past two years? Am I happier than I was before? Have I gotten over some of the things from my past?

"The past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or erased. It can only be accepted."

Am I any stronger than I was before? Have I grown? Am I a better person today than I was two years ago? I've made some bad choices and decisions...have I learned from my mistakes? I'll always have regrets, but have I gotten over them?

But I've learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time, and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve.

Am I any closer to getting to know myself and actually loving myself for who I am?

Time waits for no man, time heals all wounds, all any of us can want is more time. Time to stand up, time to grow up, time to let go.

[smile]

Fact: You're so much stronger today than you were yesterday.

Sometimes, we feel like we're falling, and the second we think we've picked ourselves back up and are on stable ground, the floor just disappears, and we're back to falling. And sometimes, it's really difficult to pick ourselves back up. Yes, it sounds so cliche, but there's a reason why it's cliche. Because it's true. And it happens to almost all of us, even the strongest of us.

I'm extremely fortunate. And I have to keep reminding myself that. I'm one of the ~2% in this entire world who has (will get, in my case) a college degree. I have a roof over my head. I have food to eat every day. I have water for my basic needs. I have a steady flow of income. I have a fantastic internship for this upcoming summer. I have so much, and yet I often forget just how much I have.

I'll be honest. This past month has been extremely difficult on me. I've made some choices that I regret, and I'm not very proud of them, but they are choices that I made, and I am who I am... It got pretty bad this past Friday. I'm getting over it, but it wasn't until last night when it hit me, and I felt much better about myself. And it was a friend who got me back on track. Last night (well, it was more like 3am), I was studying for a major finance exam (tonight) with a friend, and I kept putting myself down, saying, "I'm going to fail this, I'm going to fail this, I'm going to fail this...I don't know anything...what am I going to do with my life?" My friend sat me down and told me to stop thinking like that, that I was going to be okay, that I could still get an A in the class, that I wouldn't fail, that I was amazing, that I can do what I want as long as I think positively and try my best.

For some odd reason, sometimes, we need a friend, a little push, to remind us that we're never alone. Even when we feel completely alone, we need to stop and realize that we aren't - the people who care about us most are always around, no matter what. Even if they don't pick up their phones when you call, they'll always call you back, text you back, email you back... Even the people you've just met and became friends with care about us. And sometimes, they're the ones who understand us best during certain points of our lives.

I'm truly thankful for those who've always been there for me. You've shaped me into the person I am. You help me get through each day. You help me remind myself that life is worth living...that I'm worth it.

Tired of being taken advantage of.

A Married Story.

So, I know I've read this at least twice, but I find it rather touching. So, I'll just share it with you:

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

Giving up

It's not a weakness. But it's not a strength either. Sometimes, it's necessary. Other times. it's pointless.

I need to learn to not try to fix everything that seems to break. Sometimes, my help is unwanted. Sometimes, there's no fix to the break. And sometimes, I need to realize that I'm only human. I'm not a god. I cannot do everything. So, I need to prioritize. What's important to me? What's important right now in my life? I shouldn't spread myself too thin.

Pause.

Take a deep breath. Close your eyes. Just breathe. Listen to the sounds around you. The computers humming in unison, the cars and buses driving by, the bike wheels turning and squeaking... we have 24 hours in one day and only 7 days in a week and only 52 weeks in a year. I'm almost 20, and what have I done with my life thus far? A little over a month from now, I'll no longer be a teenager. Regardless of my actual age, I'm still growing, I'm still learning.

And this is probably a pretty important thing to learn - stop trying to fix everything. and stop obsessing over the things that are broken and cannot be fixed.

escalating commitment: a source of cognitive bias resulting from the tendency to commit additional resources to a project even if evidence show that the project is failing